Say what I feel

My last post was 2 years ago when I ranted about my terrible financial status. 2 years passed and I'm still nowhere better than before, financially. One thing I have in abundance is time as I chose to be self employed and started doing micro business with Susenji.  Comfort zone. Being out of it seems to be a challenge as either you work it out or you drop right in. I can say it was fun and refreshing for me at first. I did a lot of work and was constantly motivating myself to want to see more results. However, there are down times that I drowned myself in the time to slow down and kind of stopped the motivation. Procrastination seriously kicked in and I slowly see the whole picture fading off.  I hate myself for not being successful as what I envisioned at the start of this business. I have not proved anybody or anything that it is okay to be self employed. I dread to explain myself so hard sometimes. Almost a year into the business, I received these questions from almost ever...

It's been 3 months since my last employment (Newstead), 2 weeks plus since I ended GrabCar service. During this 3 months, I can say it's the start of my lowest point in life, in terms of financial terms. I'm soooo poor and it's really a "no joke" situation. Negative negative negative, same goes to my emotional state. I felt the guilt swimming within myself everyday and together with my motivation level going super low. It's like they are hugging each other to bring me down more. I can get annoyed and sensitive very easily by any matters. I cannot get what I want by myself, I cannot shop as and when I like, I cannot be as initiative as before to set up dates. Because, I've no money. Not just that, I'm jealous too. Seeing proposals, ROMs, weddings, prewed shoots, honeymoons, baby showers... led me thinking, "when's my turn?". And then, the problem poured all over me again, "I've no money to do that." I think there have...

Leave is an entitlement to every employee in an company. Why should anyone be questioned for taking leave? Or is there a judgement needed for the specific days leave is taken during the week? Today, I was called into my CEO office and we had a talk regarding my leave frequency. Apparently my leave record was extracted out by my HR manager (new manager and about to leave anyway) without my knowledge and it was the CEO's instructions to do it. This is only one of the many things on the list that I got to know as a third party. I was extremely concerned towards this one thing as it involved me particularly and I was curious on the reason behind. There were many factors behind; a new manager and assistant manager, high turnover rate in the department, reshuffle of roles within the team. On top of that, I was questioned for a few times by my manager on my plans of studies and after studies. It seemed like a hint to me to resign, but was told by a colleague that CEO just merely check...

01022018 ; an intense night between the 2 of us.  In our almost 10years of relationship, we never had a real fight. That night, we kind of lashed it out. This is what happened.  I ended class from Wilkie Edge and received a call from him to suggest for me to take the train down to Mountbatten and we could all share a grab ride home with his friend. I gladly agreed and not thinking of the ride which is equivalent to my train ride home via Downtown Line. I finally reached Mountbatten station and went towards the exit instructed by him, but they were not there waiting for me. So i gave him a call and he is actually at the McDonald's. I immediately gave him another call after hanging up to get him to buy me a pack of twister fries.  This is when the anger really striked me. "Why didnt he ask me if i want any food when he is at Macs?" "Why is he not here waiting for me when he is already done with dinner?" "Why is it the wrong exit of the station?...

Today, I've got a taste of how people overthink can lead to so much unwanted mess. I can say i sort of got backstabbed. Sometimes, i have no idea whether I'm in the right path or principle on the way to execute tasks. I try my best to justify, but it sort of turned out failed. To follow superior's words or have a word of my own?  靠人不如靠己... i have told myself today.  Increase my awareness on the words to use and actions to take. Its not about overthinking, its about working strategically. 

Do you ever have an "X" topic in your conversations? "X" topic means a topic which should not be brought up. It would probably lead to awkward moments or getting nowhere around that topic. Or maybe something that you will regret after saying? Today, I did it. The "X" topic for me is the proposal. I'm not sure why and I just poured out how I really felt with proposal while knowing we are gonna try for bto in Nov. Maybe it's really about how I look at it. What really shocked or rather comforted me was his words, which moved me. Knowing that I would lead myself to wilderness thoughts, he kept reassuring that "he's ready" and "can you dont think in such a manner?" to get me back to reality.  知足常乐, I'm really blessed to have him.